im turning into a psychopath
im turning into a psychopath
its barely even fall and i already want to check myself into the hospital or rehab
To all the dope dealers hiding in plain sight , waiting for me to buy: have another and choke on it. Next time I find a used syringe outside my work there better be a dead body to go with it.
With so many people telling me who to love and who to be I may just stay single forever
Listening to reggae as my car slowly fills with rainwater.
im actually having a good day today and i still kinda hate everything
I used to make long speeches to you after you left. I used to talk to you all the time, even though I was alone. I walked around for months talking to you. Now I don’t know what to say. It was easier when I just imagined you.
back to the dentist next thursday. i have one tooth that needs a crown and possibly a root canal, the doctor couldnt give me a straight answer as to whether or not it needs to be extracted but i feel like ill lose everything im living for if that happens
dentist at noon. fun, fun, fun.
I haven’t had a drink in 7 months and I’m starting to feel like I can’t take it anymore. After the first month I started having urges to drink in the morning and now I have days like that all the time. This morning I mistook a bottle of olive oil for a beer bottle and its been all downhill from there. I’m so distracted I almost bleached all my clothes and I feel so miserable inside that I can’t even do anything to make myself feel better other than curl up in a ball and wait for the urge to pass. I wish I felt safe enough to drink. The only things stopping me are mental hangups that all revolve around my own self hatred. I feel like the only way to stop it and get some peace of mind is to have a drink. I don’t know what to do.
Most nights I lay awake worrying that I may lose my mind or die of a broken heart long before all the partying I’ve done catches up with me. I don’t want to live in fear anymore.
Trying to keep track of my own mind seems more impossible everyday. I feel like I’m in a losing battle with my own loneliness and mental health and I have to constantly remind myself that the life ahead of me is better than the one I’m leaving behind. I fight myself everyday to make changes in my life but I can never find the strength in myself that I need. My fear of the world and fear of myself is keeping me from the life I’ve always wanted. I don’t think I’ve ever cared so much about my life or my future and I feel like its slipping away from me the moment it all seems real. Everyone tells me I’m doing so much better than I have before but I never feel it, I feel like I’m a passenger in my own life and its going nowhere. I only feel strong when I’m hopeless but as soon as I believe in myself I get carried away in my own head and spiral out of control. I’m seeing a new psychiatrist in a few weeks, hopefully I can trust them and make the changes in my life I’ve been trying to make for years, all I can do for now is hope. I can’t always tell if I’m making the right choices in life but I can’t just hide and let the world pass me by like I have been. I need to love myself and holding on to all the times I haven’t is holding me back.
Just over 4 months without drinking and 3 days without smoking pot and all I dreamt about last night was getting fucked up. Wtf.
spent the day perseverating about how i can never get anything done, just looked at the clock and its only noon.